It’s easy to get down in the dumps, especially when life gives you lemons. I know there are a lot of positive people in the world, but there are also a lot of people that are pessimists. I myself, am a pessimist for sure. I often let the bad outweigh the good in situations. I could have a million things go right and one thing go wrong, and I will focus on the wrong rather than the right. I’m not saying that I’m living in a darkness or anything, but, for me, it takes a little extra effort for me to shake off my pessimistic views. My family, friends, and husband often put things in perspective for me, and for that, I’m grateful.
When Eli was first diagnosed, I was devastated. A million worries sunk me to a low and I did not have a good outlook for Eli. Looking back now, I realize how dramatic I was. I didn’t know anything back then, I thought autism would be a social death sentence for him. He would be so far behind his peers, kids would be mean, he wouldn’t fit in. It’s only been two years and he is damn near caught up to his peers and has many friends. One doctor’s diagnosis does not define my son. He is healthy, beautiful, and HAPPY. It just took me a while to realize that.
When Camille was born, everything was great for the first month. She was such a calm baby, never made a peep. After her one month things started going downhill. She was spitting up and throwing up constantly. She would scream all night long from her reflux pain. I was getting no sleep and doing it mostly on my own. At times I would have to give her to my mother and grandma just to keep my sanity. Difficult babies are hard on everyone and it’s so easy to go down the emotional rabbit hole. I was there. It’s hard to stay positive when your baby is hurting and there is nothing you can do about it. There’s times I felt like horrible parent, even though everyone around me was telling me how great I was doing. Now that we have hit her two month birthday things are slowly getting better. She’s screaming less and sleeping a little more. Looking back, I realize how hard I was on myself. I can see now that I am doing a good job as a parent and sometimes there’s nothing to do but ride out the storm.
Outside of my parenting, I am pessimistic about myself. I have always had self-esteem issues. I never thought I was pretty enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, etc. In high school, I thought I was gigantic because I had a little roll hang over the top of my jeans when I sat down. Now, as an adult with a mom body I question who DOESN’T have a roll when they sit down? Looking back on my childhood I see how good I had it. I had a lot of friends, I had boyfriends, I played sports, went to parties, did ok in school, and most importantly I always had food to eat, clothes to wear, and a roof over my head. Of course, teenagers aren’t really the ones to count their blessings. Even as an adult though it’s hard for me to look past my looks and weight and see that I am a beautiful woman. Even hearing compliments from my husband are hard to take serious. But I am learning to accept things the way that they are and that is including MYSELF. I am an awesome person. I’m friendly, sarcastic, funny, loving; who cares if I weigh more than I did before my two kids??
I’m sorry if this blog comes off as a pity party. That’s not really my intention. One thing I’m trying to do with this blog is connect with other people. I’m hoping this blog can resonate with some people out there. It’s easy to focus on the negative, but doing that keeps us from seeing all the positives in our lives. Every bad thing in life has a silver lining somewhere, it just takes some of us a little longer to see it. If I worry too much about my children or succumb to my fears and anxieties about them, I won’t be present to enjoy all the happy moments that are right in front of me. Life is too short to worry (this is way easier said than done, I know). And I’m trying not to be a hypocrite right now because I am still a pessimist, I just need to put towards the effort to make my glass half empty turn into a glass half full.